There is a tendency we humans have to want something exterior in our lives to change in order for us to be happier, healthier, more content, gain more freedom, be more complete and generally feel better about our lives. We go around with constant mind chatter, judging, criticising, comparing, complaining – and that’s on a good day. If only he/she would change. If only I could get a pay rise. If only the kids would grow up and leave home. If only there was a better/different/more caring government in power. If only I could update my car/house/dog/partner/clothes…the list is quite endless and it will stay that way when the ego mind is in control.
One of the biggest conflicts that arise in relationships is the need to change our partners because they are seen as the source of our constant unhappiness. We can come up with an endless list of faults that she/he must change and then life would be oh so much better. We wouldn’t have the constant worry of being on their case, chasing them up over undone tasks, pulling them up for their uncouth behaviour, trying to get our needs met, nagging them to be more romantic, doing more around the house, helping more with the kids. There are those of us who would like our partners to, quite literally, have a personality change. Then our lives would be just peachy.
What if there was a different way to be in relationship? What if we were to feel so complete inside, so loved that we would be able to leave our partners to decide on what they wanted to change for themselves? That we were just so happy that it didn’t matter any more if they did or didn’t change? What if we did the changing instead, and that our partners would notice such a startling turn around in us that it would cause them to wonder what we had and how they could get it too?
We have the ability to change a destructive relationship into a loving one. If you want to start with a good book to help make changes in your relationship, I highly recommend Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. In it Gary outlines the number of ways we feel loved and how they are most likely to be different from our partners. He gives insight and strategies on how to make these differences work.
There are many other avenues for self-growth and change available. When we decide that we are no longer victims to our circumstances and those around us and we have the power to move into a stronger place, then the things we need to effect change are at our fingertips. If abuse is an issue, then becoming stronger inside may be the thing that takes us out of the relationship to a safer place.
When we realise that WE are the change we are looking for in our lives then the potential for a liberated life is limitless. When we stop blaming the outer world, other people and realising change doesn’t come from an external place then we can move into a space of strength, contentment and love that will affect everyone we come in contact with and transform our relationships.
Hi, I'm Anna Bradbury and I'm an experienced Life Coach and member of ICF (International Coach Federation). I love helping people and couples realise their goals and dreams. With your hard work and focus, my guidance, and proven Life Coaching techniques, you can achieve all you desire.